delicate minds

Have you ever experienced that crushing feeling of disappointment? The one that hopes were pinned on? And then something came along and blew it all away? It’s a simple feeling we all experience at some point in our lives and it’s natural.

In 1997 I worked for a fab magazine and if I told you the name you’d laugh and think it a porn mag, so before I do I’ll give you the sales schpiel – we were a cutting edge lifestyle magazine appealing to the 25 plus market – we liked to think we were  a more humouristic version of The Face, ID & Dazed & Confused…we were more a fanzine than a well distributed  magazine to be honest – Howard Marks, Paul Kay, (AKA Dennis Pennis) and Adam from Loaded wrote for us, we interviewed The Super Furry Animals, Republica, Kula Shaker and  Garbage during my time there…we were called G. Spot Magazine…(que hysterical laughter!!) – ah you may laugh, but we had and held some amazing parties, attended crazy events and partied throughout that whole ‘Brit’ era with Noel, Patsy, The Spice Girls, Chemical Brothers, Rob Williams, Massive Attack, Leonardo di Caprio, et all…it was beyond believable and I thought that was reality…I wanted it to go on forever.

Sadly, amazing as it all seemed in my little London world, it all masked MY actual reality. My beautiful cousin was dying of breast cancer, my family were coping daily with this horrific reality – she was 25 and had a little boy of 2 years old. The last thing I remember saying to her was ‘how are you darling?’…she was dying for god’s sake – she barely answered she was on so much morphine, but according to my Auntie S, me calling her perked her up that day.

Needless to say my hopeless coping mechanism broke down swiftly after that call – I carried on at the Met Bar regardless, acting manically, trying to be part of this ridiculous era that wasn’t anything to do with me. I should have been with my family but my head wanted to party more, hardly slept, hardly ate and did silly substances – I’m not sure why, maybe it was some sort of escapism at the time.

Some very strange things happened after that point, I started believing all sorts of things to the point of me striking out at the people I loved the most. At which point I was sectioned into a hospital who thought it best to mend my delicate mind. Not a great point in my life I have to say, but one I’ll never forget and has made me mentally stronger and incredibly aware of others who may be suffering a similar illness that I endured during my 20’s.

The reason I have aired this awful situation is because there are so many stigmas still attached to Bipolar (aka Manic Depression)/mental illness/depression – tons of people suffer from it – they shouldn’t feel they have to hide it from others who have never experienced it, but as I explained at the beginning of this blog, it’s natural and most people with a brain suffer from some sort of depression at some point in there lives…luckily I’m surrounded by amazing family and friends who will always be there for me – clearly I will always return this love.

So for those who don’t yet understand how hideous it is, please just be as understanding as possible to those who have gone or are going through depression, be there for them whatever, (believe me, all sorts of silly things happen) and offer as much support as possible especially if you are close to them, try not to be scared of the condition – a listening ear really is needed at this time, even if it is denied x

2 thoughts on “delicate minds

  1. Thanks so much for this brave post. It must have been difficult to write. Many of us know people with depression, or look back to a sad time in our lives and realise we were probably depressed but just didn’t admit it or seek help at the time.

    It’s easier to try and jolly people out of it or rationalise their pain than just silently being there for them, and sometimes depressed people are good at hiding their condition and fully functional. But they still need empathy.

    Thanks again.

    1. Thank you – I had to say something, as it seems there is an ever growing problem with this condition – I think the more open we are about depression, the less we have to hide it and make it a bit more matter of fact rather than something to be ashamed of.


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